Published on April 1st, 2013 | by Fraser Brown0
April Fools Mondays: To hell with hindsight
It fell to me to write up this Monday’s weekly recap, celebrating and noting last week’s most delicious bits of news and AWESOMEoutof10 articles. And I was going to, I really was. I was going to tell you about how wonderful Bioshock Infinite is; that Liam wrote an interesting piece bigging up games that have the sounds for the ears; how Darik’s coverage from PAX continues to pour in, drowning us in preview juice; and that David wrote words about kids. I swear it, I was. But then I remembered what day it was.
It’s April 1st, the one day a year where there’s no reason to take anything seriously. So instead of Hindsight Mondays, I’ll be just posting April Fools nonsense from the interwebs. Yes, it’s also a day I half-arse. To be fair, I’ve got the Game of Thrones premiere ready to watch, so I’m pretty busy.
Google Nose is a thing, and presumably will eventually be ready for use in games, where we’ll finally be able to smell things like Kratos’s sweat, the scent of sewage in Mario’s pipes, dessicated corpses in countless games and finally, the bile and tears that ooze from Abholos.
“What if the uncertain future lies in the past?” What if, indeed. The only way to find out is by making an 8-bit Deus Ex, discovered Jean-Francois Dugas and Johnathan Jacques-Belletete, Eidos Montreal’s Executive Game Director and Production Designer, respectively. Human Defiance would need to have deeper conspiracies, more enemies, more locations, bigger choices and co-op with JC Denton, obviously, so that’s exactly what it has. But their bosses thought it was a terrible idea, so now it’s up to you to make it a reality.
Continuing with the retro theme, something Far Cry, seems to be a movie, promises to transport viewers to the distant future of 1997, a time that we can all agree holds nothing but promise. The premise certainly sounds compelling.
The year is 2007. It is the future. Earth has been ravaged by a nuclear war and new paths for peace must be found. A U.S. cyborg army may have found a solution: a powerful bioweapon on a distant island. A Mark IV Cyber Commando, Sergeant Rex Power Colt has been sent over to gather information and figure out what the hell is going on.
Well, aren’t we nostalgic this Day of Buffoons? ArenaNet engineers have been hard at work, and have invented a virtual reality simulator, the Super Adventure box. You know what, I’m just going to let Guild Wars 2 all round bad-ass Rytlock Brimstone explain this one.
Stop the graphics!
Because ArenaNet is rad, the Super Adventure box is also an April long update for Guild Wars 2 with three awesome levels, super hot graphics and big fun, big rewards.
Star Wars: The Old Republic is getting an update too. But no sweet hot radical graphics this time, this update is going to get your body shaking in ways that will get you the death sentence in twelve systems. “Dance of the Hutts” adds a new PvP area, Toborro’s Shakedown, where battles are fought on the dance floor with killer moves. On top of this you can earn an exclusive mount, the loyal but reluctant Hutteese Transporter. Wide load! God I hate myself.
I deserve a mech. I work hard, I’m a good person, I deserve this. That’s why I’m getting a three year lease on one of Khang’s bargain mechs! No more getting stuck on the bus as cars inch down a congested street, I can just blow the fuckers up with my very own Rocketeer. I always knew Hawken was just a training simulator.
Europa Universalis is a thing I have been known to dabble in. One might say I’m fond of the series. I even sing about it. This is for me: Europa Universalis: The Musical. Music. History. Swedes. Come on, you know you want to listen to the mighty tunes. While you’re at it, there’s a “making of” video too.
Oh yeah, and there’s also this. Bastards.
Use your words in the comments to point out that I didn’t post your favourite April Fools thing, because it’s the only way I will learn.