Go away, Monday. Nobody likes you, least of all me. This week my hatred for the beginning of the new week is greater than even my standard contempt, because I’m very unwell. There’s sweat, a sore throat and coughing up gunk that looks like it belongs to Slimer. Regardless, I have a job to do. Once again I’ll be your time travelling conductor as we shoot back to the week that was when bell-bottoms were all the rage and everyone was having unprotected sex outside.

There were games that popped into existence last week. Quite a few, though not enough for me to jump out of my seat and exclaim “Bloody hell, that’s a lot of games!” before collapsing in a pile and vomiting because, as I may have mentioned, I’m a bit sick at the moment. We got Skulls of the Shogun which I’m sure is wonderful but can’t play it because I sold my 360 for prostitutes and I don’t believe Windows 8 is a real thing. Antichamber also appeared and looked odd, so obviously we should ostracise it, but wait, we like odd things, where does that leave us? Buying it, probably. And then there was Omerta: City of Gangsters, which I’m currently doing review things to. Sexy review things.

Most of this week I was stuck in another dimension known colloquially as Iceland, but just “bloody freezing” by everyone else. I played games and did other game-related things while also being extremely cold and eating whale. Yes, I ate a whale. Now that I have a taste for it, those graceful giants of the sea are royally screwed. I’m waiting for my harpoon to be delivered as I type this.

I also did other things with games. I did! For real! Mainly I spent my time playing the delightful Anarchy Reigns, which is both a game and a magical cake. A magical cake that punches you in the face, turns into a burning lorry, drives into a fuel tank, kills a lot of massive lizards and then starts dating your mum. It’s an odd game, but I like it. Apart from the bit where it dates my mum.

While I was dragging whale carcasses across the frozen tundra (that’s where they live or something… they are like bears, right?) AWESOMEoutof10 kept churning, albeit at a diminished capacity since they are a lazy bunch that crave my sharp tongue. Without it they’ll just not do anything. I’m pretty awesome.

Our resident wallflower and thoughtful young fellow, Steven,was upset about the Wii U gamepad controller restrictions. It also stole his lunch money and said his hair was, to quote, “shit”. Yes, he did cry. No, we didn’t laugh at him, because we are all chums. Okay, we did chuckle a bit, but not to his face. After Steven stopped crying, Mr. David Chandler, academic and serial wordsmith, discussed how game developers could do a better job of working narrative into their title’s gameplay rather than having them as disparate. He’s a smart fellow and probably looks really sexy when writing things on a blackboard, so people should listen to him.

Fellow Brit and untrustworthy southerner Liam typed up the second part of his PC building guide, no doubt on a PC he built himself by sacrificing innocent Scottish babies, because that’s how the English roll. Our Robot Overlord and secret Austrilan continued his “First” series of features, reminiscing about buying random games because of totally radical cover art. Spoiler: It worked out okay. Finally Andy played with our minds with another piece of cutting satire about the PlayStation 4. He’s from the future and he knows many things.

Also, there was some news. There always is, but at least here we try to keep it interesting. We’re groovy like that. In the rest of the internetverse words were said, or maybe they were mimed and translated. The internet is weird. Ironclad’s Blair Fraser chatted about being concerned with the state of the RTS genre, fearing its death if it didn’t evolve. I can’t say I share his fear, though we certainly don’t see the vast amount of traditional RTS titles that we once used to and MOBAs do appear to be the future, in one form or another.

Oh yeah, and GTA V was delayed, I guess? That must have happened when my head was in a bucket, because I really didn’t notice.

Anyway, that’s the week that was. Last week David got a bit creative and did his whole Hindsight Mondays in limerick format. You couldn’t be blamed for hoping that I’d either try to continue this marvellous way to recap the week or even try to one-up the fellow. Sorry, I just love dashing hopes. However, it can never be said that I don’t try to mix it up on occasion. So here’s a haiku:

Today I threw up
Because Iceland was very cold
Goodbye my left lung