Tomb Raider has no demo. This spectacularly interesting and densely packed piece of video game news may have slipped past you in the last few days. Crystal Dynamics have confirmed via Twitter that there will be no pre-release demo for the Lara Croft reboot, Global Brand Director Karl Stewart stating they “don’t want to spoil the story”. He continued, saying “We’ve weaved such an [sic] personal story we don’t believe spoiling it by having you wait a week or so to play on delivers on our promise.”

But, I hear you screaming, surely that’s fancy marketing speak for “our game is terrible”! Well spotted. We all know that a game not having a demo is conclusive proof it is of low quality and smells of elderberries. Crystal Dynamics should have known better, given the savvy nature of the modern gamer. We suckle at the teat of the 24-hour news cycle, shining a spotlight on every tiny piece of pointless, irrelevant, drip-fed rubbish, waiting for a moment like this when we can expose a conspiracy bigger than that thing about dinosaurs being real. Surely this is only the scummy, hair-clogged opening of the rabbit hole that is Tomb Raider‘s insidious dealings. Never fear, as I have used the mystical art known as ‘journalism’ to crack the case. Rumour and conjecture are just two more ways to say truth.

First off, look at the box art. Lara, in a cave, holding a bow and bleeding from her ladylike arm parts. But where is this cave? Could it be the cave from Muppet Treasure Island? It makes sense, given Lara’s tendency to steal treasures from people. This all but confirms the existence of a Tim Curry cameo, and will justify the shameless money-grab of a multiplayer mode by adding Kermit the Frog as a playable skin. Now look beyond the cave; go deeper. I’d put a hundred thousand dollars on that being some sort of ship in the background, maybe even two? Naval combat a la Assassin’s Creed III is no doubt the reason, fighting off gorilla pirates on the high seas while surviving on nothing but uncooked fish. Hold on, though, because that metal tube looks like part of a World War II airplane. The only question becomes whether Lara will be fighting time-travelling Nazis, or she finds a time machine and goes to the past to kill Hitler.

Speaking of Lara Croft (or whoever this imposter actually is), we know that this redesigned woman is more realistic than the original incarnation. She doesn’t have lips like Angelina Jolie squared, her hips can’t birth anything significant and she oozes blood from all sort of places at a moment’s notice. They’ve also given her smaller breasts, which the liberal media agenda wants you to think is just reflective of a more proportional female. What’s the more likely answer? Lara Croft is secretly a man. Why else would she cover her legs, if not to hide the manly hairiness lying beneath?

The other option is that earlier footage of Lara being accosted by a bearded miscreant was entirely accurate, and Tomb Raider is a sexual assault simulator. Ten seconds of a woman being touched inappropriately by a man in the woods is definitely enough to judge, meaning Crystal Dynamics are the most piggish misogynists since that guy who did the stuff. As sexual assault is a bad thing, mentioning it in the context of fiction is basically the same as doing it yourself.

Enough about the girl, let’s look at the trailers. Obviously the use of a bow and arrow to hunt food is the thing that stands out the most, pointing fiercely to a Metal Gear Solid crossover. Lara will become the new Snake Eater, using the quick energy and proteins to power her nanosuit, while her nominal Native American heritage will allow her to commune with animals and perform complex assassinations. One scene has Lara emerging from a body of water covered in mud, in a clear reference to Apocalypse Now, Predator and Wild Things. Will she be joined by a sexy sidekick and be forced to use her feminine wiles to escape from a prison compound in an orgy of lesbianism? Will she have to fight an overweight and incoherent Marlon Brando in the final act? I’m not saying these things are true, but they are.

This is only the tip of the conspiratorial iceberg. Tomb Raider has been resting unscrutinised for far too long, the developers laughing and clinking champagne glasses full of money. There’s a lot of nasty, insidious stuff going on; you can tell because there’s no news, and that’s the number one indicator of news. Trust me, I’m a journalist. Surely you’ve seen all this and more for yourselves? Speak out! I’m off to put red circles on screenshots.