Published on February 3rd, 2013 | by Andy Astruc10
PlayStation 4 will run on nuclear power
The next generation of Sony consoles will run on miniature nuclear generators, according to reports. Sony executives have all but confirmed the existence of a new console, and word from inside sources is the machine requires the equivalent of a small reactor to carry this power to the average living room.
There has been speculation that an announcement was about to be announced to speculate on the existence of a teaser; but this was quickly shot down by Sony PR, who attributed the rumours to rumour-mongering and idle speculation before tossing a smoke bomb at the floor and running out the back exit. One reporter – Miles Coburn, who requested he remain anonymous – described the scene as “mildly arousing”. Early on there was some indications that the smoke was, in fact, a marketing stunt, and that the new console would be a swirling mass of malevolent technological puffery lifted from the pages of a discarded Lost script. Contacts within the science department of Columbia University have now confirmed that to be false, stating that smoke monsters are not real.
At a small conference today, Kazuo “Kaz” Hirai (President and CEO of Sony Corporation) dropped the real bombshell:
“We know many people around the world eagerly await the next chapter in PlayStation’s unopposed domination of the video game industry. The successful launch of the PlayStation Vita – and subsequent destruction of all now-useless smart phones, Nintendo 3DS consoles and calculators – as well as the continued strong performance of the PlayStation 3 home console device have all but secured world peace. Now, we are proud to announce the Atom.”
Following the announcement, two Japanese women wearing safety goggles and Sony-themed bikinis emerged from a small cage, gesturing seductively at a plinth containing a blue sphere and two pairs of thick black gloves. Hirai donned a wizard hat and began a demonstration of the device, the screen displaying a family of ducks smoking full tar cigarettes. We were assured this could be rendered in real time simply and easily.
Sources close to the hardware have spilled some details about the console ahead of the official launch on the 20th of February – which will include the real launch of Sony’s new DRM satellite, dubbed The Third Space. One engineer explained that there are so many graphics and algorithms running through the machine even when simply pressing the power button that 1.21 gigawatts of energy will be required to run things reliably. The internal electronics are hooked to a small rod of plutonium which will last for an average of 6 months. Replacements will be readily available from a Libyan distributor. Another worker explained the difficulties of the design process, noting “half the power goes to running a special light filter,” which changes the green glow of the energy source to Sony’s trademark blue.
A man outside Sony HQ, who claimed to be a lead developer for the Atom, said “There is no device on the market that can compete. The Atom has the power of 10 PS3s strapped to a camel in a slingshot,” before taking a large swig of whisky.
Controlling the PS4 will be done by wearing a pair of bulky gloves wired for movement and responsive to voice commands. Rumble will not be a feature at launch, but the gloves are lead-lined to protect the user’s hands from any dangerous radiation that might be emitted from the console. Sony PR assures us that no dangerous radiation will be emitted from the console, adding that in the unlikely event it did happen it would only result in the happy kind of mutations “like the X-Men”. Pressing two fingers to your forehead in the manner of a kawaii Asian girl will activate the social media functions, calling the home phones of all your friends and relatives to let them know each time you unlock a trophy.
We will have to wait until the 20th to get more information, but Sony did email everyone two screenshots of The Last Guardian followed by an ASCII wink face. Speculation continues that Microsoft will announce a trailer for their upcoming unconfirmed presentation soon that will confirm the release of their long-awaited Xbox 720, rumoured to double as a coffee machine and operational semi-automatic machine gun.